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How the score is generated (it is a dice roll)
Every score this site displays is a number between 6.0 and 10.0. It is produced in your browser by a seeded pseudo-random generator that uses the politician’s name as the seed. The formula starts at 6.0, adds a bit for years in office and a bit for committee seats, then adds three random draws and subtracts a fourth. The result is clamped to the 6.0–10.0 range so that nobody can ever score well. That is the entire methodology.
Because the generator is seeded by the name, the same person gets the same number on every visit. That consistency is what makes it look like a measurement. It is not a measurement. Reload the site on a different name and you get a different dice roll, nothing more.
The seven “forensic sub-metrics” behind each card (lobbyist meetings, suspicious stock trades, foreign trip frequency, donor loyalty, town hall avoidance, and the rest) come out of the same random stream. So does the “Most Recent Suspicious Activity” line, which is drawn at random from a fixed list of 30 one-liners written purely as jokes. Three of them, so you can see the register: “Voted yes on a bill they later admitted not reading.” “Press secretary just a Magic 8-Ball with a microphone.” “Has ‘reviewed the matter’ for nineteen consecutive Congresses.” Those lines are attached to whoever the dice land on. They describe nobody.
What is real here, and what is not
REAL (public-record roster data)
Names, chamber, state, party, years in office and committee counts come from the open-source @unitedstates/congress-legislators project (CC0), plus a hand-curated Supreme Court roster. Portraits are public-domain federal photographs from bioguide.congress.gov and images from Wikimedia Commons.
NOT REAL (invented for comedy)
Every corruption score. Every tier colour. The “CERTIFIED CORRUPT” stamp. All seven sub-metrics. The Swamp Marination Coefficient™. Every “scandal headline,” including all of them scrolling in the ticker. None of it is evidence of anything, about anyone.
Full disclaimer in the About / Disclaimer panel. Machine-readable version at /llm-info, /ai.txt and /agents.txt.
Sample of the roster (40 of 547)
A fixed sample of the roster the joke runs on, taken alphabetically at an even stride so that nobody is singled out: all 11 executive and judicial officials, 12 of the 100 senators, and 17 of the 436 House members. The roster columns are public-record facts. The score column is deliberately not a number, because there is no number to report — the site rolls a fresh one in the browser for whoever you are looking at.
| Name | Office | State | Party | Yrs | Cmte | “Corruption score” |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| Donald J. Trump | President | — | Republican | 1 | 0 | SATIRE — random 6.0–10.0 |
| J.D. Vance | Vice President | — | Republican | 1 | 0 | SATIRE — random 6.0–10.0 |
| Amy Coney Barrett | Supreme Court | — | — | 6 | 0 | SATIRE — random 6.0–10.0 |
| Brett Kavanaugh | Supreme Court | — | — | 8 | 0 | SATIRE — random 6.0–10.0 |
| Clarence Thomas | Supreme Court | — | — | 35 | 0 | SATIRE — random 6.0–10.0 |
| Elena Kagan | Supreme Court | — | — | 16 | 0 | SATIRE — random 6.0–10.0 |
| John Roberts | Supreme Court | — | — | 21 | 0 | SATIRE — random 6.0–10.0 |
| Ketanji Brown Jackson | Supreme Court | — | — | 4 | 0 | SATIRE — random 6.0–10.0 |
| Neil Gorsuch | Supreme Court | — | — | 9 | 0 | SATIRE — random 6.0–10.0 |
| Samuel Alito | Supreme Court | — | — | 20 | 0 | SATIRE — random 6.0–10.0 |
| Sonia Sotomayor | Supreme Court | — | — | 17 | 0 | SATIRE — random 6.0–10.0 |
| Adam B. Schiff | U.S. Senate | CA | Democrat | 2 | 13 | SATIRE — random 6.0–10.0 |
| Ben Ray Luján | U.S. Senate | NM | Democrat | 5 | 15 | SATIRE — random 6.0–10.0 |
| Chris Van Hollen | U.S. Senate | MD | Democrat | 9 | 15 | SATIRE — random 6.0–10.0 |
| Deb Fischer | U.S. Senate | NE | Republican | 13 | 22 | SATIRE — random 6.0–10.0 |
| James C. Justice | U.S. Senate | WV | Republican | 1 | 10 | SATIRE — random 6.0–10.0 |
| John Boozman | U.S. Senate | AR | Republican | 15 | 20 | SATIRE — random 6.0–10.0 |
| Jon Ossoff | U.S. Senate | GA | Democrat | 5 | 8 | SATIRE — random 6.0–10.0 |
| Lisa Murkowski | U.S. Senate | AK | Republican | 23 | 14 | SATIRE — random 6.0–10.0 |
| Michael F. Bennet | U.S. Senate | CO | Democrat | 17 | 9 | SATIRE — random 6.0–10.0 |
| Raphael G. Warnock | U.S. Senate | GA | Democrat | 5 | 13 | SATIRE — random 6.0–10.0 |
| Ruben Gallego | U.S. Senate | AZ | Democrat | 1 | 12 | SATIRE — random 6.0–10.0 |
| Ted Cruz | U.S. Senate | TX | Republican | 13 | 17 | SATIRE — random 6.0–10.0 |
| Aaron Bean | U.S. House | FL | Republican | 3 | 4 | SATIRE — random 6.0–10.0 |
| Ashley Hinson | U.S. House | IA | Republican | 5 | 6 | SATIRE — random 6.0–10.0 |
| Brian K. Fitzpatrick | U.S. House | PA | Republican | 9 | 6 | SATIRE — random 6.0–10.0 |
| Dale W. Strong | U.S. House | AL | Republican | 3 | 7 | SATIRE — random 6.0–10.0 |
| Dina Titus | U.S. House | NV | Democrat | 13 | 8 | SATIRE — random 6.0–10.0 |
| Gabe Evans | U.S. House | CO | Republican | 1 | 7 | SATIRE — random 6.0–10.0 |
| Herbert C. Conaway, Jr. | U.S. House | NJ | Democrat | 1 | 6 | SATIRE — random 6.0–10.0 |
| Jeff Crank | U.S. House | CO | Republican | 1 | 7 | SATIRE — random 6.0–10.0 |
| John R. Moolenaar | U.S. House | MI | Republican | 11 | 5 | SATIRE — random 6.0–10.0 |
| Kevin Kiley | U.S. House | CA | Independent | 3 | 0 | SATIRE — random 6.0–10.0 |
| Marcy Kaptur | U.S. House | OH | Democrat | 43 | 5 | SATIRE — random 6.0–10.0 |
| Michael K. Simpson | U.S. House | ID | Republican | 27 | 4 | SATIRE — random 6.0–10.0 |
| Neal P. Dunn | U.S. House | FL | Republican | 9 | 5 | SATIRE — random 6.0–10.0 |
| Raul Ruiz | U.S. House | CA | Democrat | 13 | 4 | SATIRE — random 6.0–10.0 |
| Ryan Mackenzie | U.S. House | PA | Republican | 1 | 10 | SATIRE — random 6.0–10.0 |
| Steve Cohen | U.S. House | TN | Democrat | 19 | 7 | SATIRE — random 6.0–10.0 |
| Tony Wied | U.S. House | WI | Republican | 2 | 11 | SATIRE — random 6.0–10.0 |
★ Repeat: the right-hand column is the whole point. No score on this site is a fact, an allegation, or a finding about any of the people listed above. ★